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Apr. 22nd, 2012

me!
Sometimes I come here with something to say. Other times, I come here to catch up, and figure, "well, as long as I'm here..." Today is one of those days, just so you're warned.

When I first had kids, I thought...well, "Whew! This is really busy work, being a mom!" Everything seemed harder when it had to be accomplished with a child or three in tow. I remember yearning for the day when they would go to school, so I would have some time to myself.

Flash-forward to now. Three kids in school, full-day. Theoretically, I should have about six hours a day to myself. Six long, lovely, luxurious (and if you use the correct shampoo, bouncy and vivacious!) hours to myself.

Pish-posh on that. I swear to you all, I have less time now than I did when they were little and still at home. How can this be?

Damned if I know.

OK, well, I do know, a little bit. The multiple part-time jobs nibble away at the edges of my "free time". As do the housework and the chores that just, no matter how many times I put a stake through their hearts, will not die. My new (healthy) addiction to running takes a good bit of time.

I have taken to scheduling in time for things such as exercise (other than running) and writing. And still, it doesn't always happen.

There are many many nights when we do not eat together as a family, instead doing a sort of round-robin of eating, coming to the table when we are able/have time/are home/are hungry, and I miss the simpler days when we were always all together.

Between playdates and sports and concerts and all manner of activities, the kids are just off in a million different directions, leaving me chasing after them and feeling ineffectual at about everything I put my hands to.

I am exhausted by all of it. No, seriously. I sit down when they finally go to bed, hoping to catch up with a favorite TV show, only to fall asleep 15 minutes in, having seen enough to regret missing the ending when I wake up the next morning.

The writing is again, in drips and drabs, much like our dinners of late. I've found that I have this weird hangup with needing quiet and solitude to write. So you can imagine how that's working out for me.

I need to learn to write with the din of an emergency room around me, people squalling and rushing to and fro.

Actually, that probably wouldn't be so bad. It's the interruptions that screw me up; that make the Muse sniff, turn up her nose, and say "I'll come back when you're not so busy," in an acidic condescending tone that makes you wonder if she will ever really return.

This is all unsatisfying.

I want order, and routine, and some semblance of normalcy. I would love a schedule where I look at the clock and say, "Oh, 10:30, time to write!" And the Muse comes and joins me for tea.

I don't know. Life is weird and messy and chaotic, and it just seems to get more so. I feel like all I can do is hang on tooth and nail and try to learn to love the wind in my hair and the uncertainty.

I'm still working on that.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
robinellen
Apr. 22nd, 2012 04:57 pm (UTC)
Yes, I feel like life is unbelievably busy too! I often get much more done during the summer when the kiddos are home full-time. I refuse to put them in tons of camps (though I have friends who keep asking, "What camps are they in?"), because I like the floaty freedom of finding our own way during the summer. I think (for me) a lot of it comes from doing too much at school -- BUT, I also believe it's important to know my kiddos' friends and teachers, and working at school does that...so it's a conundrum.
triciasullivan
Apr. 22nd, 2012 07:07 pm (UTC)
Your schedule sounds really crazy. I wonder sometimes if that 'easier when they were younger thing' isn't an illusion, though. I remember myself being more focused/productive in the past, but I think after several years of having kids in the house there's a certain marathon mentality that sets in. It's harder to keep on going year after year after year. It slows me down.

I think also the jobs are taking more out of you than you realize.

Lots of sympathy from me, anyway. I know you are doing a great job with your kids. They are awesome.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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